So
the thing is over
I
am not able to make myself continue in the pain of this desire. He has said no and I must accept it. His last email made it clear.
I
have also failed the fidelity test – since even if I have not physically been
unfaithful or have not remained pure – it is clear to me that I am unable to
come out of the cave I’ve been in without exposing myself to these kind of
painful and tempting situations. It is
not worth it to me to come out only to fall and stumble and become useless
anyway. I don’t know how to live outside
of the protective cocoon that I had made without failing in these things.
My
heart is bruised and broken – again.
My
life is seemingly useless – again.
All
of the day to day activities and responsibilities are not going away and even
though I feel drawn away I cannot see how that might be possible. My house payment, my mom, my daughter, my
son, my animals – all needing me, at least for now.
So
I feel stuck and frustrated where I am.
Un-usefull and unhelpful to God whatsoever.
The
visions of who I might be for God have all but disappeared. Any vision of being with him is useless and
so I have dismissed them.
My
‘ministry’ and purpose has been so fluid in my mind lately that I feel
unstable.
I
have no foundational church that I can depend on for covering and support and
under guirding.
So
it seems that I am alone again, needed but alone.
There
is pressure to fulfill roles as daughter and mother and homeowner and employee,
but no spiritual significance in any of these.
Life
has become a contradiction of late.
I
see possibilities in some things, like where Aaron and Chrissy will be going in
October. California calls to me in a lot
of ways. But I am not sure it is simply
my love for him or not.
Amanda
needs me financially and emotionally for support until her wedding. My mom ever the emotional black hole and
toxic vortex would suck the life from me if I let her. Still she needs support that apparently I
alone can give. And there was that
promise to my dad.
Ireland
also calls to me. In a kind of romantic
way I see myself there in my old age, walking with gray hair and a shawl wrap
along the cliffs of green heather next to the ocean with sea breezes blowing my
hair out of place. Even wrinkled and
bent over it is a romantic notion to be there, to be where I belong. I don’t see if I am there alone or not. That is such a blank in my foresight.
I
still feel claustrophobic here at work, in this situation. I feel out of place and out of sorts. I want to go.
I want to do what I am supposed to do.
I want to be who I was created to be.
If
I could compartmentalize the physical desires in me well enough I could
go.
Such
a strong urgency to be about the business I’m supposed to be doing. And time marches on. Time is not my friend.
Perhaps
I will have another opportunity to succeed in that test and be strong enough to
deny my bodily urges. Who knows if I
will succeed or fail? I’d rather not
have to face it.
I’d
rather live in the successes of what God has given me. But that is not an option.
So
I have applied to the finishers project.
I’m working on what could be my calling.
An option that does not involve a husband. So I can refocus away from the pressure of
that desire. And so I can have a choice
that will be useful to God. So I can get
on with it, with something. In search of
some joy. In search of some purpose
outside of my own desires and needs.
There
are plenty of opportunities there.
It’s
frustrating that the way things are right now I will not be free to go until I
retire in 2023. That’s a long ways
away. And unless something happens that
I have the opportunity to pay off my house that is the time I’ll be free to go. Still though another option would be to sell
and get myself free of debt all together and just live month to month.
I
wonder if that’s possible. I wonder how
long my mom will need me.
He can not be part of my plans any more. He
can not be part of my dreams and I am grieving over that.
What
was I thinking anyway? Our lives are far
too different and separated by too many years and miles.
I
would close that gap but he will not. So
my answer. And I must accept it as from
the Lord.
So
forward.
To
the finishers project ...
Love
never fails.
Nothing
will separate me from God’s love.
Love
will heal my heart and because of it I will be strong enough to overcome any
and all physical impediments or urges that my body demands of me.
Age? I hope to live long enough to be able to get
to the place that God has called me to.
So
far I have disappointed myself on His behalf.
Oh
how I long to be of use to Him.
Lord
give me purpose.
Lord
give me peace.
Lord
give me patience.
Lord
give me piety.
Lord
give me Your presence.
Lord
give me sight and vision for each step towards You. Use me.
Use me up for Your purpose.
There
is nothing now that I have here to hold me.
I’m letting it all go. Use me
please.
I
wonder when and where He is sending me.
I
guess it does not matter.
I’m
here right now even though I do not feel that I belong here.
Having
not prepared for the future heretofore I have to be patient until those things
that need to be built can be.
It
urkes me that I have to do this now and that I had not the foresight to have
prepared for it previously.
But
I gues I have not caught God off guard.
And I guess He is going to use me wherever I am.
Seems
like a waste to me to be here though.
Apparently I have not grasped whatever it is that I have been put here to learn.
Oh
the torture of it all!
Arggggggg!
Sadness
and anger and lonliness want to overcome me.
But it won’t.
My
identity and my purpose are not tied to that.
I am a true woman of God. I am
gifted with much Kingdom equity.
So
to build on that foundation.
Going
forward into His will. What will You do
with me my Lord?
Mold
me fill me and use me. The molding and
filling have occurred and are ongoing, and the using though not completely
unused, I have not become what He has made me to be.
Forward
I
will finish this race well
By
His grace I will.
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