I'm hurting today. Arrows I've long since thought were
removed from my heart are newly bleeding wounds.
Trying to figure out how to love my mom. Trying to
figure out how to keep my heart safe in the process. It's not working.
I miss my daddy so much. He was a buffer between us. He loved
me. She admitted not loving me like she loves my brothers. She said
it was because of the circumstances of my conception. She touts her
unwillingness to give me up as evidence of her love for me. (someone had
wanted to adopt my older brother and I when we were very young and she
refused). But i think of her as a 3 year old now days and realize that no
3 yr old would willingly give up her dollies. We were hers and she would
not let someone take us away. I doubt love entered into
that equation - more like selfishness if you ask me.
So she emailed me a couple of weeks ago telling me that she
was going to relieve my stress by taking back the power of attorney that I have
for her. The ploy was that it would take the burden
of caring for her off of my shoulders. I was insulted. I
got angry. She does not know me at all. There is a reason that my
dad had me appointed as power of attorney for them both. It is because
I'm the most trust worthy and responsible of my siblings both financially,
medically, and relationally. I have never used this 'power' to take
anything from either her or my dad. I have never used it at all. It
is there as a precaution and for her protection against anyone that might try
to take advantage of her. So yes I was hurt and insulted and it made me
angry. So when I spoke to her and the real reason for her actions, or
threat, was because she felt like I did not like her and that it
was blatantly clear. I agreed. I did not deny it. I
do not like her at all. She is false and manipulative and childish and
selfish and thinks of no one but herself. And I told her so. I also
told her that if she did that then it would leave her vulnerable to whoever
might think they had a right to come in and 'handle' her finances and her
business affairs.
It has been tense between us ever since. I cannot pretend
that I feel any differently and I won't put on a show.
I told my little brother about it. I told him about
how I was conceived, how she never loved me, how she is.
He is here now to visit. I'm glad. But my mom is
putting on quite a show. She is acting as if nothing was said at all
between us. They had me over for dinner two times this week, no three.
I can't even make myself talk to her or even look at her. She is my
mother that never was a mother. She does not know how to love. She
knows how to make it look like it, at least to others. So now maybe I
just look crazy. I don't know.
I am going to get away from her I think. Sell my house
and move closer to my daughter. Is this wrong? Will it help?
What about when she becomes incapable of self care? I do not know.
Right now all I know is that my heart is bloodied once again
with this deep pain of wanting to be loved by a mother who never wanted
me.
I'll be ok. I always have been, sort of. I feel
more distant than ever from my heart as it tries to build yet another layer on
the cocoon that's it's bandage and long time home.
Oh Jesus comfort me, my heart; my soul reaches out to you
for the only love I've ever known.
I need you now more than ever, more than yesterday, more
than a lifetime of yesterdays.
My only hope is in you.
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