Moving

I let it go
I'm moving on
The weight is off of my shoulders
and now I cannot express the amount of relief that I feel.

Carrying the load of someone else's stuff is way too stressful.
It is an illusion that being in control works.
Too much of me invested in what - in the end - is not going to give a return.
Not that everything needs to be invested in based on the return.
But somewhere along the way one needs to evaluate things.
If I give and give and I do not receive then something is wrong.
And as painful as it is to let go, or even consider letting go, it is in the end, necessary.

My life must move forward.
I cannot change if I remain where I am.
I don't think that I can even help others if I do not change for the better.

Jesus said that he came to divide.
Because of His love setting me free, I am able to see clearly what I must let go of, and who I must let go of, in order to walk in that freedom.
Yes it is painful, and sad.
Knowing how much he loves me gives me the strength to walk towards him rather than staying in the muck and mire of a life of stagnation.

And so
I let go
I'm moving on
figuratively
emotionally
physically
and I am grasping onto Jesus
more and more.

Joshua 1:9 

9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

No Sunday person...

God is not some Sunday person I go to visit.
He is not an imaginary friend or 'Sugar Daddy' in the sky.
And
He's not a Father that sits in judgment of my every move waiting to hit me with a stick if I waver from what for some are seemingly His ever more strict guidelines.
He does not punish me for mistakes that I make.
I am not the object of scorn or wrath or anger or even disappointment.

I am loved.
I am cherished.
I am honored as His own.
I am protected.
I am desired.
I am delighted in.
I am wanted.
I am an endless source of His delight.

Not because of me, but because of Him
He made me to be all those things.
He made me so that I am unpredictable, unique, individually who I am, and it is good.

His love is never withheld because of my choices.
He wants only the intimacy of knowing that I trust and know His heart towards me.
He wants my love.
And He has it.

The closer I get to His heart, the more I realize how vast His love is and how long it will take to plumb its depths.
The more I know Him, the more in awe I am over it.
There is no fear in trusting Him.
I delight in living in and from His love.
Life could not be more secure, no matter the circumstances that come my way.
Nothing can separate me from His love.

His Love

I've begun to dislike "Amazing Grace" for the inference it has that I am a wretch.
It's kind of funny - strange that if I were to list my sins, there would be no question that a wretch is the least of the terms that would describe me.
But living there is not needful, warranted, or wise.
The love I live in now is unbelievable, rich, and precious.
It is undeserved, yes, from my perspective.
However from his perspective it's completely different.
He is devoted to me.
He will never ever, no matter what, give up on me.
His love for me supersedes time, space, actions, situations, attitudes, even feelings.
The connection - intimacy - we share is the deepest thing about me now.
It's more real than the air I breathe and more necessary.

I know beyond anything else that my heart belongs to him and that I am loved.

It's because of this that I cannot bear the identity of the wretch.
I am changed because of this love into the object of it.
I have no identity outside it.
I function because of it and live from it.
His love is my life.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day

It was Gabriel's first one.

He was my valentine.

He felt no pressure to make me happy, I'm sure.

It was all good.

I've thought about how we do this thing to each other.  We put them in a place that says they are great, and they meet needs, and feed our souls and hearts, and make us happy.  It can be our lover, best friend, family, etc. whoever we hold in esteem.  And I realized that in a way we are not just acknowledging their worth in our lives, but we're also kind of putting them into bondage.  Especially if they are not whole...

If I think too highly of someone I wonder if they feel pressure to live up to that level?  I know that is not what is intended from my part, but I also know that for some that's how it may come across.

My BFF Tracy is such a beautiful person.  Inside and out.  She is lovely, feminine, sexy, regal, honorable, precious, and utterly lovable   She apparently has not known this most of her life.  Today she told me that I have spoken those things over her (in so many words) and I see that she is blossoming.  She is beginning to walk in them as she truly is.  She has spoken these things into my life as well.  

Both of us had believed the lies we'd been led to believe from our past.  So for us, it's not pressure to live up to something, but the key to freedom.  Our eyes opening to what is Truth about us.

I guess if a person was dependent on others for their self worth then it might be different.

But none of us is responsible for how another person feels.  Not in the way we've been believing.

I choose to allow the good and the bad into my heart.  I choose my reactions to it.  I choose if I believe it or not.

Jesus calls me his beloved and tells me that he loves me with an everlasting love.  It has taken me many many years to come to truly believe this.  He has been here waiting all along.  I do not feel pressure to perform for him any longer.  Because the truth is that he made me, just the way I am, allowed my life to be the way it has been, forming me into the woman I have become.  None of it was by accident, nothing has slipped by him along the way without his awareness.  The enemy has tried to squash my heart but Jesus turned it all for good.  I am glad.  It brought me to here, today, knowing complete love and acceptance.  I am not ashamed for who I am.  I do not have an impossible standard to live up to in order to be loved.  This is true freedom.

And by the same token, I am now able to allow others to be who they are, love them as they are, see the beauty in who Jesus has made them to be.

The pressure is off of me completely, and on Jesus.

Good news!  He can handle it!

So when I say you are beautiful, I'm looking through eyes that have learned that beauty is truth and love combined in a person bringing out the essence of who they were made to be.

I am certainly blessed.

I've caught the wind.

I thought of a song the other day, one that I'd listened to endlessly as a teenager but had not thought about for many years.  Bob Dylan - the bard of our age - writing out in lyrics what my generation was feeling.  Catch the Wind was one such song.

In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty,
I want to be in the warm heart of your loving mind.
To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sundown pales the sky,
I want to hide a while behind your smile,
And everywhere I look your eyes I find.
For me to love you now, would be the sweetest thing,
T'would make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears,
To help me to leave all my blues behind.
Standing in your heart is where I want to be
And long to be,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

In those few lines he captured our angst, our loneliness, our desire to belong, our awareness that the life we had was not enough.

Our generation was bottle fed, mass produced, Dr. Spock raised, and together we were alone.

We rebelled against the Status Quo, plastic people, society, our parents religion, and 'the man'.

We burned our bras, experimented with endless substances, got naked, had sex unlimited, grew our hair, became hippies or flower children or joined a commune, sat in coffee shops all night debating the state of our world and trying to find answers for the cure.  All in an effort to find ourselves.
It was a legitimate cause, for we were lost.

In the end we've pretty much all joined society and become our parents in spite of our resolve to the contrary.  And still we find ourselves alone.

Some of us became Jesus Freaks though and began our search for meaning in the Truth with him.

Long long years later still searching many have settled, but a few of us have found what we're looking for.

I've caught the wind.

Jesus has led me through my life step by step towards himself with a deft hand and an understanding heart, lovingly and patiently until I finally found that I belong.  

I'm not alone.  

I am loved.

He sings me love songs.

I am on his mind and in his heart at all times, and he is mine as well.

He is not my parents' Jesus.

He is mine.  

A real person.  

A real God.  

A real lover and friend and husband and rescuer of my heart.

EVERYTHING I DO, I DO IT FOR YOU

I am no longer defined by the messages of my wounds.

I am defined by the one who ransomed me, my Beloved.

He who sings me this song:

Look into my eyes, you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there
You'll search no more

Don't tell me, it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me, it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Look into your heart, you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you, oh yeah

There's no love, like your love
And no other could give more love
There's nowhere, unless you're there
All the time, all the way yeah

Look into your heart baby
Oh yeah

Oh, you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more

Yeah I would fight for you
I'd cry for you
Walk through fire for you
Yeah I'd die for you

You know it's true
Everything I do, oh, I do it for you

Everything I do darling
We will see it through
We will see it through, yeah
Yeah, just look into your heart
You can't tell me you'll die for love
Oh yeah, I'll be there
I'm goin' all the way, all the way

I think when I read these words of how much I am loved, that one may feel I am over the top.

Yet I know that this love that bears my name upon the heart of even Jesus, my Lord savior, Christ the Son of God, I know that this love incomparable to any else I've ever known, is deeper and more mysterious than my heart can fathom.  I speak of my heart rather than my understanding mind, sensing feelings, etc. because there in lies the depth of who I am, and where this love endures and abides.

I know that everything He does, He does it for me.  Me individually and me one of the many that make up His beloved.  He loves so deeply that all He is and all He does is for this love, for the right to call us His, for the purpose of our union.

This verges on philosophy perhaps.  The thought is difficult to express.  But it is a knowing that I have and clearly know deeply within my being.  The place that I know Him and love Him is the place of connection and communion.  We together joined for now available only from within my heart, by and by will be a reality of togetherness.

No longer lonely yet still alone, I live with a full heart not simply in anticipation to a distant future but here and now where joined with my Love together we walk through life.

I hear his voice by way of pricks from without and a soft confirmation from within. Songs like the one above are examples of these pricks, along with visions of sunrise/sunset splendor, ocean spans, chocolate delights.  When I simply recognize the pleasures that he gives me I stop to hug that connection within humbly and gratefully delighting in his love for me.  Truths come from a multitude of places into my heart but ultimately they are all from him.  I recognize his handiwork in snippets of commercials or words someone speaks unknowingly.  It delights me to come upon these unexpectedly like little jewels given throughout the day to me.  My treasure hidden in my heart are such as these.  And this was one of them.

Everything I do, I do it for you.

Oh how my heart swoons over the thought of my beloved and his passion for knowing me and being known by me.  How at home I feel finally.  I have found this treasure and my existence is forever changed. So much so that all I want to be able to say back to him, is:  Everything I do, I do it for you.

There are things and times in life that transcend thought and time which override emotion and feelings and erase all reaction to situations.  So it is with me right now.  I have a new grandson, Gabriel James Lennon.
He was born on Dec. 28th at 8 am and his mom handed him to me only hours after his birth.
It is amazing to me that such a small new little person has so much power in the world. My heart was immediately caught and won by him. No wink or flirt or coo even necessary, just that he is.  We are made from the imagination of God and in his image.  It is fitting to be instantly in love when this miracle of giving birth occurs in our families.  What treasure is ours to have been given the capacity to create this flesh of our flesh and bone of our bone - another human being.



Tracy had an ah-ha moment the other day and shared it with me, and I share it here as well.  That just as we are created to be like our God, our actions mimic his in so many ways.  Considering the act of creation, and the preparation that went into making a suitable - no - a glorious place for humans to reside; how an expecting mother makes preparation for her new child gathering the best and most precious things for her baby to be welcomed into the world to.  Nesting is what we call it.  Jesus had some massive nesting to do prior to our arrival didn't he.  And what a wonderful nest he made for us.

I find my heart expanding lately. My daughter tells me that she gets it now...  the long hugs, tender looks...
She will always be my little girl, my baby.  She has her own baby now and she says that she understands how much those touches and looks mean.  I laugh at her because I know her heart is now - like mine - expanding.

I am thankful for such simple insights and the depth of the blessings of them.