Who is Jeanne

Something is brewing

I’m a hungry woman

I’ve been self-medicating for years

A lot of us have

It’s like an addict

Or someone with another disorder..

We are low on serotonin and we reach for the easiest available source – food. 

Some reach for other things.  It’s the same situation, we are hungry.

Our brains tell us we need, our bodies tell us we need, our souls cry out that we need.  We are hungry.

We want to be fulfilled.  We are exhausted from giving out and giving and giving.

We have given our bodies to the lives of our families.  Sacrificed our looks, our figures, our sleep, our mental capacities, our nerves.  We have premature gray hair and wrinkles along with our zits and as we nurse our children we long for a relaxing day at the beach or a sauna or in the woods or somewhere that no one is calling out our names demanding yet more of our precious little reserves of energy and patience (if any is left).  But at the same time we cannot stand the idea of being away from those we love. Insanity.

We know deep down that we cannot look to our spouses to fill this in us but out of desperation we still try.

We look to our friends.  We look to our parents, children, clergy, bar tender, doctor, personal trainer, counselor, anyone willing to spend any time on us.

We are hungry women.

I am a hungry woman.

Stacie said it and it’s been brewing in me and marinating and drawing my mind towards some conclusion.

I’m not quite there yet. 

And the obvious answer (which I’m sorry to say sounds contrite and pat and far less than helpful) is that we need God.

Well.  That is the truth. As difficult as it is to swallow, it’s true.

It’s not that simple, yet it’s that easy.

The problem is in how I have taken it in the past. 

I do not like religion.  It is stifling and punishing and degrading and confining to me and my spirit rebels at it in any form. 

I yearn for the intimate relationship that religion has become the imposter of with an Abba God who David could bear his soul with. 

I’ve longed to have no barriers between us, me and my creator.  No veil, no hidden agenda, no working to be good enough, no pretense of being good enough, no denying who I am or who I desire to be.

He is there.  I know it.  I’ve tasted of his love and it is good.   Soooooo good!

My heart knows Him.  We are connected and I have heard his voice whispering to me in the quiet of my soul.

How then can I sit here hungry and numb again?

I do not know.

Jesus draw me deeper.

Fill this voracious appetite of mine with yourself.

I cannot quell it with anything else.

I also cannot deny it any longer.

I am hungry.

I am famished.

I am stuffed full of all the wrong things yet cannot stop reaching for more.

Fill me Jesus.

Isn’t it interesting that our very makeup, our DNA was created in a way as to draw us to, drive us to, urge us to seek to be filled and the only true sating of that desire is Jesus.