04/03/2012 Doldrums

In June in southern California the weather is blah
not hot
not cold
not sunny
not clear
not anything good
just
blah
they call it the June doldrums

I know that feeling.
sometimes it feels just like blah
stuck
not going anywhere
not hot
not cold
just
blah
That's where I am right now.
That's where I've been for a while too.
I hate this place.
especially since I have such passion
I want excitement
or at least anger
something
anything,
almost anything.

I want to soar with the eagles in the clouds,
and sing with the meadow larks in the sunshine,
and swim with the dolphins in the sea,
and run like a gazelle in the African plains,
and climb the Rockies with the mountain goats and the moose and elk.....

ugh!
I hate it when I'm stuck waiting.
I don't want to grow in patience.
I want
I want
I want

Most of all I want to never ever ever ever lose the knowing connection that I have with Jesus.
or the feelings that comes from that: freedom, peace, confidence, assurance, belonging.
But there are days that feel as if the honeymoon is over and we've settled into an easy relationship of being simply together.  Normal, flat, regular life.
ewwwwww!!!
that almost sounds like cursing to me.

I've said before that God's fingerprint on my life is passion.
It's true.
I never go at anything half way unless I'm not interested and I just have to do it to get something else I need.
Even then I usually throw myself into it because that's the way I am.
good enough is simply not good enough.
and when I read God's story I see that those are the kinds of people that He goes after.
I think God loves it when people have passion.
in fact I know it.
He said he'll spit out the lukewarm.   (Revelations)
Yeah God!!!  You are happier with me if I'm running full bore at life even if it's in the wrong direction!
Me too!  I see your passion in everything you've created and it's extravagant exciting dangerous and wild!
It's simply awesome.

but....
I am antsy and restless...
So is this time of quiet - the doldrums - on purpose?
am I once again in transition?
and what on earth is the purpose of standing still?
or are my eyes simply not adjusted well enough to the spirit world - and I just cannot see the endless activities going on around me?

to hell with this waiting!
I want to go
I want to live from my heart
I want to live passionately in love with my bridegroom
I want to do everything at mock 10 with my hair on fire
I want to feel as though my heart will explode because I'm so loved
I want to love others so much that I physically ache for them
I want it to stop being so mundane and blah
I want life!!!!!


Jesus
come and play - will you?
come light the fire of passion in me and give me a jump start again
push me off the cliff of this soggy milk toast lifeless living in a rut normalcy
let's get on with it.
if it's war, then bring it
if it's love, fill me up
if it's work, let's go
if it's passion, light the fire
come and give me life!
give me what you promised
I want to be free with eyes wide open running to you with all I have and all I am.