another conversation

so I ordered the Pearl from RHM

and started listening to it sat

wow

a new book?

from John or Staci?

yes

cried all day sun

ooohhh

a good cry I hope

yes

and no

needed

healing

but it hurts

and my head hurts today and I do not feel good. just had a sneezing fit

only reason I’m here is cause I do not want to miss any days

saving them for Gabriel's arrival

coming soon!

yes

but I have some work to do

stuff buried in there needs to come out

it's amazing how completely complacent we get with each level unearthed, it's like okay, I’ve dealt with that, I'm done.... UM ... not yet ...

small doses though

allow time to process all the crud it unearths

exactly

I am sooo thankful for JE, though, Jeanne. I had to repost his devotional from this weekend on FB ... he just has the perfect timing

cuz my folks have been asking me and asking me to go to their church, ya know? and I’m truly not trying to be snobby or superior or anything, except that it doesn't feel like a comfortable slipper there for me ....

I understand completely

the church out in Soddy does to me

it’s wonderful

so yesterday, when once again, I’m asked, I finally said, mom ... I think your pastor is wonderful for you. but for me, his answer to my question kinda put me off ...

oh?

when he subbed in the revelations class and said we could ask him anything, and it was right after God wanted me to re-read Genesis and about creation

and so when I asked Pastor Keith his opinion on it, he was honest with me, but the response was, I've never heard that before.

ok, well, you're hearing it now.

and God specifically wanted me to re-read that passage and meditate on it ...

I know now why, but then I was still trying to process it.

so, anyways, JE's reminder that if we wanted a personal encounter with Jesus it was in day to day living, and not confined to a Sunday service ...

YEP

hahaha yeah

Jesus did not sneak into enemy territory disguised as a baby and go through the torment of his death for us so he could make us be good, nor was it simply for a ticket to heaven.  it was for love, for relationship, for connection

and that is not a once a week thing

I read something this weekend that I was going, UM NO. you got it wrong... it said, Jesus died so that He could know you personally.

No, he did not.

how do these 'experts' get it so wrong?

it's like they do not know him at all

it is a heart thing, always has been and always will be

and again, I wasn't feeling superior, but I KNOW with certainty in my heart, Jeanne...

you know?

and every time now that I hear or read something that I already know, there is ... no shaking that truth any more

no questioning it

right

because you are connected to truth

all you have to do is listen to your heart

because the Holy Spirit lives in me. Do you know how excited and humbled that makes me? I tear up just thinking about how thankful I am every time.

then I'm listening to Joel Osteen last night and had to laugh, because again, God was speaking thru him ...

his service was on loyalty

he said, the mercy you extend others, is in direct proportion to the mercy God extends you ... your family, above all others, your blood ... you lift them up

when they fall, you lift them up

he said we live in a society that thrives on kicking someone when they are down

don't be that person

and he told the story of how Noah after being on the boat 192 days with his family, when they got off, he got drunk

and how Ham told everyone about it

but his other 2 sons covered him

he said, we can't stand to be in the same house with our whole families for 3 days at a Holiday, try to imagine how Noah felt ...

hahahaha

I’m sorry.  I really don't feel good today. 

and that's

I am ashamed at how I talked to my cousin yesterday

garbage spewing out

of course you talk about being around family this morning

hahaha

thank you Jesus

I hear you

oh, it was a message to me also

I've got a lot of anger in there still

a lot

yes, I understand

and I do not know if I’m ready to let go of it

lots of shame

feel dirty

Jeanne, you are Jesus' beloved

I didn't read devo's this weekend

He does not see you as dirty

I know

but he knows there is dirt in there that needs to come out

he's trying to expose your light to the world

I have an idea.

Something to hash over the next few months.

We may be able to handle it by May, and I think Tracy should be included if we decide to do it.

but, if we go to the ocean, we are going to have a funeral service.

and we are going to gather up the things we want to let go of, and let them go in the ocean.

be it a flower to represent that thing, a rock, sand, whatever ...

I saw a show and to let go of all the hurt this girl felt, her boyfriend handed her a balloon with the hurt inside, that she released and let fly away ...

I think that is exactly what we need....  all three of us.

I was thinking about when I scattered Brandy's ashes in the ocean, Jeanne. I ... there was a lot of pain there not just from losing her ...

but things had been really bad for years ... our relationship. She did a lot of bad things. I didn't respond well, or loving.

I did the best I could, and it wasn't good enough.

but when I put her in the ocean, I felt like ... I was returning her to Jesus.

and I don't dwell on, most times I don't even remember, all the bad things that she did and that happened.

I just love her.

we are free to love

so maybe we can let go of some baggage by having a funeral for it.

death set her free

Cheryl

I’m so thankful for your heart

your willingness to open it to me

I feel safe with you Jeanne. that is the blessing you are to me.

thank you. 

I think maybe that is my greatest gift

thank you

you are welcome

it may be because I never felt safe with anyone till now myself, and I want to give what I know I needed and did not have

but not everyone steps into that

you know?

and it's an honor to be trusted

right. again, that is by design. your Ka is handpicked by the one who loves us beyond measure

which is why it shames me to feel so angry at others

who

idk

I’m still so angry at my mom

at my older brother

and I’m angry at my dad for leaving me alone to take care of my mom

he was the only one Cheryl

whoever protected me

he's still helping you Jeanne

listening to the CD's I heard about a girl who's father rescued her

and I thought that I never had that

yet I know my daddy did rescue me

the little boy next door threw acid on me

and it was eating my dress away

and my daddy came running out and picked me up and took me into the bathroom ripping my dress off and putting me into the water

to keep me from getting burned

and I know he loved me

yes

and I never think of that as him answering my question

but it was him answering my question

yes it was

do you love me

but it feels like it is not enough

and with him working shifts and gone most of the time and when he was home he was so grouchy and mean

I also felt abandoned

he was my hero

but he did not have time for me

most of the time

and my mother never did love me

and I always have felt unloved

even when I was rescued it was not 'love' to me

idk how to explain it

but know how you were covered the whole time ... even thru the horrible moments ...

to be so loved now it is very uncomfortable

I don't know how to handle it

covered by Jesus

yes I was

because you demonstrate unconditional love daily

and in a second out spews hatred and filth

as soon as my heart is vulnerable that's what happens

that's what happened

yesterday

I had been listening to the CDs

and my cousin called

and I was instantly so angry

it was very strange

she was surprised when I told her I never felt loved

and it makes me think, I need too much

she said she loved me

and I’m like, well you were not my mom were you

she was three houses down for the first few years there in Cali

but I do not remember much time with her

I only remember having to 'be good' all the time

be quiet

be good

be quiet

Brandy

Dennis' theory that I bought into ... children should be seen but not heard

course, he didn't want to see her either.

that’s why I did girl scouts, and took her to dance class, and t-ball, and everything else I could think to do with her...

poor Ray

all that was gone by the time she came along

too many years of beaten down

I was too buried

you are helping me to understand how Brandy must have felt, Jeanne.

like nothing she ever did was good enough to be loved so why try

wow

you know of course that it was more Dennis fault than yours

you cannot make up for father

you are mother

nobody else can be father for her

but Jesus

father is so needed in our lives

I’m so glad that my pain is not wasted

do you understand that?

yes

it helps

being in love with Jesus is like a spiritual boot camp I think.  what does not kill you makes you stronger.  that's so true in life, and yet with him we have to be torn down and opened up and exposed so that the protection we've built up for ourselves and it's all wrong.  it may work for unbelievers but the scary thing about being in love with him is that he wants us exposed, completely exposed.

pretty terrifying, isn't it?

was talking to Tracy and what she is going through

and she did not see it

but her heart is being exposed

and I told her that

that

what a sweet aroma to God it is when we are vulnerable and exposed before others

and allow them to see into our hearts

it is a comfort

and so today those words come back to me I guess

Yes

maybe I need to be careful what I say lol

the circle

yes

it's so funny

it did not dawn on me that it was the same for me

that when my heart is exposed it blesses

both him and others

Yes

and my instinct is to hide

the pain

cover it over and protect myself

right now I am thinking, ok

the pain is worth it

to help you

to bless God

ok

you know you've said it many times, but it has been dwelling in me for weeks ... resonating ... marinating ... that we are to Love. I know that is our purpose, intellectually, but I don't always LIVE it ... like talking about folks ... my boss ... complaining ...

and that is why Joel's message was for me also last night

but to love each person at whatever level they are at

it's not about where they are at ... it is about where I AM AT

does that make sense?

what brought that home to me was something Amanda said this weekend

yes that makes sense

she said she has never thought that people should share their misery ... vent their frustrations ... that what good is it to bring someone else down with your bad thoughts and feelings

well

I think we are supposed to share

because that is how we learn

just like your pain this morning

you know?

yes

I am seeing that

it's not the same as complaining

it's opening up heart to heart

very different

right

well, even complaining is an exposure to something hurting your heart

you just don't know what the arrow is

so I think, the lesson is to learn who is in your circle .. your safe place .. your ka

and I’m recognizing that mine is much smaller than I realized

the funny thing, I was sitting there listening and I just suddenly burst into tears.  and all I could think to do was to call Tracy because she holds my heart.  and I thought, that's not fair to dump on her. but what you're saying is true, that sharing our pain exposing it is not only healing to us but others.  

yes recognize who it is safe and needful to open up to

I've had lots of people I can open so far with

and I tend to open more than they are comfortable usually

but there is a depth of my heart that I've never opened to anyone

isn't it wonderful though that you have Tracy? Thank you, Jesus.

and even with you I have not been able to go there

Tracy is the first one in my life that I truly trusted my WHOLE heart to

yes

I am so thankful for her

and she is SO LITTLE!!!

ironic

she is HUGE in God's eyes

yes

look what He's entrusted her with ...

look what He's entrusted you with ...

yes

I've never felt like anyone could 'handle' all my junk

because He knows the depths and layers He's put in you ... and Tracy ... and I ... each of us

I’m coming to the place where I think he's showing me that I have those people who can

handle it

and so much of the time this anger here, I do not understand it, it's just below the surface and it spews out and I’m surprised at it

and it's like wow where did that come from

yet I know it's there

and I’m not fooling you or Tracy  ha!

I know you both see it

and it tastes nasty, doesn't it?

but I can't bring myself to look at it

so spit it out

well

it's not safe to spit it out

unless someone is there that can love me anyway

Jesus

He already knows

yes

that's what is terrifying to me

He already knows

and He loves me anyways?

how is that possible?

but I know he knows and he loves me.  that's the strange thing.  I just don't think others could

you know what? I bet our spirits look like Quasimodo

hahaha

all these huge lumps of garbage on our shoulders

we carry it around

thinking it's part of us

so let's plan a funeral

and know that for me, I don't do funerals

yes

so this would be huge for me

I think that's completely appropriate

and needful

and I think by may it will be right on time