Today I woke to another dark predawn morning. Fall is in the air, crisp and cool this
morning. It may have rained last nite
but the sky is clear and the black field with sparkling stars brightly shining
looks closer than usual.
There is a turning, change, a bit of a feeling of loss,
slightly uneasy as time rolls on and runs out of this year’s summer.
I am restless again. Nothing is happening fast enough or slow enough
for me to get used to it. I want to
scream.
God, oh God where are you? What is it all for? I’m board and lonely again and all I can see
in the future is more of the same. All the
efforts I even choose to do (not to mention those I’m holding myself
responsible for not doing) are in vain. Clean
or not clean, what difference will it make?
Stay fat or lose weight, what difference will it make? Am I not the same person inside? Am I not still lazy lonely and board?
The world changes and time goes on and I am
still still still here in the place where You left me. What good does anything in my life do? Ok that’s not fair because what I really mean
is what good ‘for me’ does anything in my life do? It gets me no closer to you.
Black skied mornings are rolling by one by one until they
are a blur. Weekends of sleeping till
daylight are only slightly different but bring more time for reflection and
dismay at how swiftly this life is fleeting by.
Yes Jesus I love you.
But oh how I hate the numbness of being ‘normal’ that comes from
medication. I hate not feeling you when I
awake, hearing your voice deep within my heart and knowing beyond knowing that
you are there.
I miss your
presence.
Is this the price of sanity?
I’m not alone, my friend feels it too, she said it was slight fear.
I’m not exactly fearful
but uneasy
idk what it is
I usually love love love the crisp air of the fall, relief from the heat of summer
but there is a sadness too
but yeah
I just want to scream
there is tension
For me every season that changes reminds me of my age and of being yet another year still alone
and yet I am not really truly wanting anyone around
I want to hibernate
like, ok Jesus, just wake me when something important is gonna happen, otherwise can't I just sleep through this nothingness?
What happened to passion? Just now I don't have an ounce of passion
none
It makes me wonder if it's kind of like the darkness just before the dawn
or the quiet just before the bombs go off
Yes, something is up, something is sapping us
Is it another test coming our way, perhaps
oh God I hope not
I’m so tired
I’m so very tired
There are spiritual walls that we hold up - we're not even aware that we are doing it
We are keeping out a vast army of darkness from our families, and it's exhausting
and it makes us feel as though we are losing the battle.
It's constant...
but we're not losing the battle.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Jesus? Do you have me?