he got angry about a video game, frustrated,
and because Jesus is in control he got angry at Jesus
then he felt so bad he cried about it.
this precious child's heart hurt because of his anger at Jesus.
anger at Love.
he is amazing - Levi
so is his mom who assured him that Jesus was big enough to
handle him being angry at him.
I refuse to play the religious game of putting on a front that Jesus
is so nice to me and he's made my life wonderful and I just love him and
everybody and everything is just peachy.
bull!
that's the kind of hogwash that turned the vast majority of people
away from Christianity.
people want, no NEED real! if you are not living Truth and
honesty then you're living a lie.
Christianity is not a fairy tale. and it's not for the weak
timid or fearful. Levi is none of these.
so for some honesty:
I find myself in this place of discontent
there is a sense of nothingness, which is very lonely, but more-so
numbness.
it feels like I'm in limbo actually
and in my life being in 'limbo' is a synonym for being alone and
feeling abandoned
and the problem with that is that this feeling is there because
something needs to come out
it's building up in me and I fear it will explode.
I don't know what's going to come out.
right now I don't feel as if I can make any decisions, or function
actually, until the limbo is resolved.
I'm afraid of what is behind the limbo. afraid of the monster
that it hides.
I am angry
and just like Levi I am angry at Jesus.
Anger
poisonous anger that can't be contained forever... rage
and since I don't know what else to do just now, I'll write it out
here......
I know that is the stopper that is holding me back from feeling
anything
I know that it's rage that has been the monster I've spent
my whole life trying to keep imprisoned and under control.
suffice it to say that there's lots of things from my past that I
could spend eons explaining as to why there is such rage.
but I will not spew garbage and filth at anyone
which is, in a nutshell, the problem
how to get it out without hurting anyone else
of course Jesus is the safe and appropriate one to talk to
about it.
but here's the deal.
this monster is and has been driving me forever. it's been the
impetus that gave me the need to develop such strength. fear of allowing
it control has caused me to be constantly vigilant in my treatment of others.
it has caused me to guard my heart and the hearts of others as well.
I do not ever want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt. I will
protect everyone from the monster no matter what.
the result of this on me has been to stuff everything. it's
been to take responsibility for everything as if it were my own choice
(because if I did not choose it then I had no power and I would be worse than
dead)
and in stuffing and taking responsibility for all the damage done to
me I was able to function. I was able to allow my heart to love in spite
of it.
you see love was the ultimate prize. and in spite of
everything I knew that to be true.
but there is this conundrum within me (well, more than one I’m sure)
that cannot justify being abandoned.
people say that they love another enough to give their life for
them. this is seen as, and indeed is very honorable.
but I have wondered if that is truly ultimate love. as it's
been touted to be.
because in my life it seems far too easy to give up life and be done
with it rather than to stay in the trenches and fight for another. I
think that to give up one's life for another in ultimate love is really to
stand with them through the junk of life no matter what.
stuff that makes you dirty and wears on your patience and stretches
you to the limit seems a far weightier price for love than to leave after one
act, even if it is an heroic act, to me.
and so
I’m angry at Jesus
I must admit it
oh, I love him with all my heart to be sure
but I’m angry at him
and I think probably at everyone else who's ever left me.
or perhaps more precisely everyone else who's never been there for
me.
there was a lot of anger even in the beginning
I’d even call it rage
it either had to be controlled or unleashed on innocent people and
things around me
I’m thankful that I chose to control it
I’m thankful that my heart could hold it back and hold love at the
same time
I am thankful that I was given the strength to be able to do that
but rage seeps out in ways a person is not even aware of...
when I say that I have no idea how I was able to raise my two
children on my own and have them become such wonderful people, I’m not just
saying that
I honestly do not recall huge pieces of time in my life
I’ve bottled up this rage for so long that something had to give
and I would not allow it to be anger against those I love
even though I know at times it came out in spite of that desire
this anger turned inward expressed itself in depression and a lot of
excess weight.
I’m angry at Jesus right now
because; of all the people in existence he - he should not
have abandoned me by giving his life and then leaving.
there. I’ve said it.
I know the Holy Spirit is here.
I know that Jesus loves me
I know I know I know
but my heart still feels abandoned
and I’m so very tired of fighting the battles of life all alone
religion would have me pretend all is well
humanism would have me will it to be different
psychology would have me isolated or 12 stepping
medicine would have me medicated
Jesus
I think Jesus would have me in community with others that honestly
know him and love him and love me. Jesus would have us all holding each
other up, together sharing the burdens of life. Bravehearts for one
another.
then talking this out with her, Cheryl said to me today that
Jesus is fighting daily for me
that he's in the trenches getting dirty and bloodied right there
where I need him.
fighting - for me.
that is an image that brings tears to my eyes
I want desperately to believe that.
this is the dark side of the moon where sunlight does not fall and
darkness rules.
but it is not my home
and I weep as Levi did because I cannot fathom holding this awful
anger in my heart at the same time as love, because Jesus lives there.
and I whisper a prayer....
Jesus, Please let love prevail.
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