His Love

I've begun to dislike "Amazing Grace" for the inference it has that I am a wretch.
It's kind of funny - strange that if I were to list my sins, there would be no question that a wretch is the least of the terms that would describe me.
But living there is not needful, warranted, or wise.
The love I live in now is unbelievable, rich, and precious.
It is undeserved, yes, from my perspective.
However from his perspective it's completely different.
He is devoted to me.
He will never ever, no matter what, give up on me.
His love for me supersedes time, space, actions, situations, attitudes, even feelings.
The connection - intimacy - we share is the deepest thing about me now.
It's more real than the air I breathe and more necessary.

I know beyond anything else that my heart belongs to him and that I am loved.

It's because of this that I cannot bear the identity of the wretch.
I am changed because of this love into the object of it.
I have no identity outside it.
I function because of it and live from it.
His love is my life.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day

It was Gabriel's first one.

He was my valentine.

He felt no pressure to make me happy, I'm sure.

It was all good.

I've thought about how we do this thing to each other.  We put them in a place that says they are great, and they meet needs, and feed our souls and hearts, and make us happy.  It can be our lover, best friend, family, etc. whoever we hold in esteem.  And I realized that in a way we are not just acknowledging their worth in our lives, but we're also kind of putting them into bondage.  Especially if they are not whole...

If I think too highly of someone I wonder if they feel pressure to live up to that level?  I know that is not what is intended from my part, but I also know that for some that's how it may come across.

My BFF Tracy is such a beautiful person.  Inside and out.  She is lovely, feminine, sexy, regal, honorable, precious, and utterly lovable   She apparently has not known this most of her life.  Today she told me that I have spoken those things over her (in so many words) and I see that she is blossoming.  She is beginning to walk in them as she truly is.  She has spoken these things into my life as well.  

Both of us had believed the lies we'd been led to believe from our past.  So for us, it's not pressure to live up to something, but the key to freedom.  Our eyes opening to what is Truth about us.

I guess if a person was dependent on others for their self worth then it might be different.

But none of us is responsible for how another person feels.  Not in the way we've been believing.

I choose to allow the good and the bad into my heart.  I choose my reactions to it.  I choose if I believe it or not.

Jesus calls me his beloved and tells me that he loves me with an everlasting love.  It has taken me many many years to come to truly believe this.  He has been here waiting all along.  I do not feel pressure to perform for him any longer.  Because the truth is that he made me, just the way I am, allowed my life to be the way it has been, forming me into the woman I have become.  None of it was by accident, nothing has slipped by him along the way without his awareness.  The enemy has tried to squash my heart but Jesus turned it all for good.  I am glad.  It brought me to here, today, knowing complete love and acceptance.  I am not ashamed for who I am.  I do not have an impossible standard to live up to in order to be loved.  This is true freedom.

And by the same token, I am now able to allow others to be who they are, love them as they are, see the beauty in who Jesus has made them to be.

The pressure is off of me completely, and on Jesus.

Good news!  He can handle it!

So when I say you are beautiful, I'm looking through eyes that have learned that beauty is truth and love combined in a person bringing out the essence of who they were made to be.

I am certainly blessed.

I've caught the wind.

I thought of a song the other day, one that I'd listened to endlessly as a teenager but had not thought about for many years.  Bob Dylan - the bard of our age - writing out in lyrics what my generation was feeling.  Catch the Wind was one such song.

In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty,
I want to be in the warm heart of your loving mind.
To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sundown pales the sky,
I want to hide a while behind your smile,
And everywhere I look your eyes I find.
For me to love you now, would be the sweetest thing,
T'would make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears,
To help me to leave all my blues behind.
Standing in your heart is where I want to be
And long to be,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

In those few lines he captured our angst, our loneliness, our desire to belong, our awareness that the life we had was not enough.

Our generation was bottle fed, mass produced, Dr. Spock raised, and together we were alone.

We rebelled against the Status Quo, plastic people, society, our parents religion, and 'the man'.

We burned our bras, experimented with endless substances, got naked, had sex unlimited, grew our hair, became hippies or flower children or joined a commune, sat in coffee shops all night debating the state of our world and trying to find answers for the cure.  All in an effort to find ourselves.
It was a legitimate cause, for we were lost.

In the end we've pretty much all joined society and become our parents in spite of our resolve to the contrary.  And still we find ourselves alone.

Some of us became Jesus Freaks though and began our search for meaning in the Truth with him.

Long long years later still searching many have settled, but a few of us have found what we're looking for.

I've caught the wind.

Jesus has led me through my life step by step towards himself with a deft hand and an understanding heart, lovingly and patiently until I finally found that I belong.  

I'm not alone.  

I am loved.

He sings me love songs.

I am on his mind and in his heart at all times, and he is mine as well.

He is not my parents' Jesus.

He is mine.  

A real person.  

A real God.  

A real lover and friend and husband and rescuer of my heart.

EVERYTHING I DO, I DO IT FOR YOU

I am no longer defined by the messages of my wounds.

I am defined by the one who ransomed me, my Beloved.

He who sings me this song:

Look into my eyes, you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there
You'll search no more

Don't tell me, it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me, it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Look into your heart, you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you, oh yeah

There's no love, like your love
And no other could give more love
There's nowhere, unless you're there
All the time, all the way yeah

Look into your heart baby
Oh yeah

Oh, you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more

Yeah I would fight for you
I'd cry for you
Walk through fire for you
Yeah I'd die for you

You know it's true
Everything I do, oh, I do it for you

Everything I do darling
We will see it through
We will see it through, yeah
Yeah, just look into your heart
You can't tell me you'll die for love
Oh yeah, I'll be there
I'm goin' all the way, all the way

I think when I read these words of how much I am loved, that one may feel I am over the top.

Yet I know that this love that bears my name upon the heart of even Jesus, my Lord savior, Christ the Son of God, I know that this love incomparable to any else I've ever known, is deeper and more mysterious than my heart can fathom.  I speak of my heart rather than my understanding mind, sensing feelings, etc. because there in lies the depth of who I am, and where this love endures and abides.

I know that everything He does, He does it for me.  Me individually and me one of the many that make up His beloved.  He loves so deeply that all He is and all He does is for this love, for the right to call us His, for the purpose of our union.

This verges on philosophy perhaps.  The thought is difficult to express.  But it is a knowing that I have and clearly know deeply within my being.  The place that I know Him and love Him is the place of connection and communion.  We together joined for now available only from within my heart, by and by will be a reality of togetherness.

No longer lonely yet still alone, I live with a full heart not simply in anticipation to a distant future but here and now where joined with my Love together we walk through life.

I hear his voice by way of pricks from without and a soft confirmation from within. Songs like the one above are examples of these pricks, along with visions of sunrise/sunset splendor, ocean spans, chocolate delights.  When I simply recognize the pleasures that he gives me I stop to hug that connection within humbly and gratefully delighting in his love for me.  Truths come from a multitude of places into my heart but ultimately they are all from him.  I recognize his handiwork in snippets of commercials or words someone speaks unknowingly.  It delights me to come upon these unexpectedly like little jewels given throughout the day to me.  My treasure hidden in my heart are such as these.  And this was one of them.

Everything I do, I do it for you.

Oh how my heart swoons over the thought of my beloved and his passion for knowing me and being known by me.  How at home I feel finally.  I have found this treasure and my existence is forever changed. So much so that all I want to be able to say back to him, is:  Everything I do, I do it for you.

There are things and times in life that transcend thought and time which override emotion and feelings and erase all reaction to situations.  So it is with me right now.  I have a new grandson, Gabriel James Lennon.
He was born on Dec. 28th at 8 am and his mom handed him to me only hours after his birth.
It is amazing to me that such a small new little person has so much power in the world. My heart was immediately caught and won by him. No wink or flirt or coo even necessary, just that he is.  We are made from the imagination of God and in his image.  It is fitting to be instantly in love when this miracle of giving birth occurs in our families.  What treasure is ours to have been given the capacity to create this flesh of our flesh and bone of our bone - another human being.



Tracy had an ah-ha moment the other day and shared it with me, and I share it here as well.  That just as we are created to be like our God, our actions mimic his in so many ways.  Considering the act of creation, and the preparation that went into making a suitable - no - a glorious place for humans to reside; how an expecting mother makes preparation for her new child gathering the best and most precious things for her baby to be welcomed into the world to.  Nesting is what we call it.  Jesus had some massive nesting to do prior to our arrival didn't he.  And what a wonderful nest he made for us.

I find my heart expanding lately. My daughter tells me that she gets it now...  the long hugs, tender looks...
She will always be my little girl, my baby.  She has her own baby now and she says that she understands how much those touches and looks mean.  I laugh at her because I know her heart is now - like mine - expanding.

I am thankful for such simple insights and the depth of the blessings of them.

The whole Christmas story

Once upon a time long long ago, well actually it was before time even was.  And before the earth was and the stars and the moon and all that we know.  There was a Supreme ruler – God – with his Son and with the Holy Spirit together they were before anything else.  And each of the three persons of God had certain jobs: as the ruler, the Father was the one in charge and the Son, he was the creator and the Holy Spirit was the comforter and counselor.  They lived in a place we call heaven and there was nothing but love there. 

Because there was so much love they decided that they needed to share with others.  So first they created Angels to do the chores.  There were lots of angels, one was Gabriel a messenger and Michael the warrior and Lucifer the most beautiful angel who was music and who got to stand beside the Father and worship and make music all the time.  It was a glorious place and all was beautiful and the love just flowed everywhere. 

But one day one of the angels did something that nobody ever thought could happen.  It was Lucifer, the most beautiful angel of all who had music and song and worship as his being.  What did he do?  The most horrible thing anyone had ever heard of.  He decided that he wanted to be God and rule and have others worship him instead of God!  And because Lucifer was so special he was able to talk a third of the rest of the angels into being on his side to worship and follow him instead of God.

So there was a great war in heaven.  All the angels fought against each other because Lucifer could never be the Supreme ruler.  And Lucifer was thrown out of heaven and all of his followers with him and he was condemned by God and stripped of all his beauty and God even changed his name to Satan.  And we call him the devil.

And God the Father was very sad and he still wanted to share his love.  So God decided to create humans to share love with.  And he sent Jesus to create the heavens and the earth and the stars and galaxies and everything that we know, just for us because he wanted us to have a beautiful place to live and lots of fun living there. 

After Jesus made the whole thing he put animals and trees and plants and all kinds of things on the earth for the humans to enjoy.  Then he made the first man whose name was Adam and he breathed life into Adam and he gave him a job to do that he would really love.  He told Adam to be in charge of the earth and rule over it in His place.  Take care of everything and enjoy all that he had created.  He also gave him the job of naming all the animals too.  So while Adam was naming all the kinds of animals he noticed that there were male and female animals - each had a mate to belong to and he asked God about this.  He said “I do not have a female companion for myself.  What’s up with that?”

So God said – I will put you to sleep and I will make a female companion for you out of your own flesh, someone who will be a human like you and she will help you survive here on earth.  So God made Adam go to sleep and he took a rib from Adam’s side and he made Eve from Adam’s rib. 

OK - Now I know this does not sound like the Christmas story, but how can I tell you a story by starting from the middle???   So let me get this history for you so you can see how really really special Christmas really is.

Anyway when Adam woke up God brought him the female that he had made from Adam’s rib.  Adam said, WOAH now that’s what I’m talking about!  And he called her woman.  And Eve was her owe special name that means ‘mother of all mankind’.

Now God had made Adam and Eve to be just like him, like miniature images of himself and made them with a spirit just like the Holy Spirit.  He gave them the ability to love him, or to choose not to love him because love is not real love unless it is given freely.  You see, God did not want robots, he wanted friends and companions to enjoy and who would enjoy him too.

God spent lots of time with them in a special place that he had made called the Garden of Eden.  Everything there was beautiful with lots to eat and everything that they needed.  Nobody needed any clothes because it was nice and warm already, and also because they didn’t even know that they were naked.  But

God gave them one rule: Do not eat the fruit from that one special tree.  Otherwise you can eat anything else you want and run and play and enjoy everything I have made for you.  And they did.

When Satan came to see the humans he got really really mad because God had given Adam and Eve the job of ruling earth.  He decided that if he could not rule everything then he wanted to rule the earth.  And also he was really really really mad that God had made this creature called woman because he saw that she had all the beauty that he once had and that she was even given an ability that nobody else had been given.  She could bring life into the world just like God. 

And Satan was still very powerful and he could still talk others into what he wanted.  So he set out to trick them into breaking the only rule there was, to make them eat the fruit of the forbidden tree in the garden.  One day while God was not there, he came sneaking upon them disguised as a snake and he proceeded to trick them into believing that God was holding out on them by not letting them have that special fruit.  He made them doubt God’s love, the worst possible thing that they could do.

Well Eve took the fruit and she ate it and she gave it to her husband, who was right there all along, and he ate it too and instantly they knew that things were not good.  For one thing, they realized that they were naked so they ran away to hide.   And they knew that they had betrayed their friend God.   When God came to be with his friends he saw that they were hiding and afraid.  And God knew what had happened, and he was very very sad because this meant that their friendship would be changed and that everything would be different.

Because they did not trust God’s heart they had to leave the garden to go somewhere else and they would never be able to go back.  Separation from God meant that now there would be death.  And because they disobeyed God and did what Satan wanted them to do, then that made Satan the ruler of the earth now.  They were his slaves.  What a mess!

Now: As horrible as this was and as bad as it seemed God already knew it was going to happen and he already had a made plan to save humans.  You see he loved the humans so much that he was not willing to just let them be slaves of Satan.   Lots of time went by and lots of things happened while God tried and tried to get humans to love him back, but there were not very many who did.  Satan ruled the world now and he made it harder and harder for people to get to know who God really is.  He made people think God was far away and that he did not care about them.  He even got to the point that he made people think that there was no God even!  And for the ones who were looking for God, Satan made a foul thing happen to them.  He got them so tangled into rules and regulations that God was almost impossible to find through it all.  And they only felt worse and worse because they were told that they had to be good in order to measure up.  Because of all the rules, they were sure to break at least one of them, so all of them thought that they were not good enough for God to love.  This too broke God’s heart, and He tried everything to get them to see the truth that he loved them all along.

Finally it was time for God’s plan!!! 

You see, God had kept it a secret, but gave us hints all along.  A young girl who was not married yet would became pregnant from the Holy Spirit and she would give birth to the Savior – the only one who could rescue us from the hands of the enemy!  So, in the middle of this war zone where people were under the influence of Satan, God sent Jesus to come down to earth, behind enemy lines, and become a human himself!  A secret infiltration into enemy territory in the middle of this war for the hearts of mankind – Jesus came and he was born just like what God had told the people was going to happen! 

God chose a girl named Mary who was to be married to Joseph a carpenter.  He sent one of his angels, Gabriel the messenger, to tell her the good news.  At first she was very afraid, but Gabriel told her that God was with her and she was greatly favored!  He said you will be the mother of the Christ child, the Son of God.  She was confused of course because she was a virgin and had never been married before.  But Gabriel told her that the Holy Spirit would come over her and the power of God would make this happen.  So she said ok, I am the servant of God, let it happen just like you said.  And it did!

When her fiancé Joseph found out that she was pregnant he did not know that it was God’s baby, but he loved her and did not want to shame her so he was going to divorce her in secret so that she would not be killed.  But God came to him in a dream and told him that this was from God and that he was still supposed to marry Mary.  So he did not divorce her and he kept her for his wife.  He would be the step father for the baby Jesus.

Jesus was coming to earth, but not to a castle as a king with a crown, celebrated in the capital of the land.  He was coming in disguise as a humble baby born to a poor couple in a very small town.  God had planned the whole thing from the very beginning of time.  He had even planned for a different celebration of this birth by showing some other people about the wonderful coming of his son with a special star in the sky.  So from far far away three kings came to witness this birth, special kings that were very wise and could read the signs in the heavens, called magi.  So they came to Bethlehem at just the right time to see the true King and witness this miracle of God.  And they brought gifts to give to the new king – gold frankincense and myrrh.  

Meantime the rulers of the country that they lived in made a law that everyone had to go be counted in the city where they came from.  So Joseph and Mary had to go on a long journey to Bethlehem, the city of David because that was his ancestry where he came from.  And while they were gone on their trip it came time for Mary to have her baby.  When Joseph and Mary got to Bethlehem there was no hotel or inn to stay at – everyone else had got there first and they were all filled up, so they had to go to the only place that was available, to a stable where sheep and horses and donkeys lived.  And that’s where Jesus came into the world. 

And nearby where some shepherds on a hill with their sheep watching guard in the night.  Suddenly just as Jesus was born angels came from heaven rejoicing and singing about the wonderful news, but they made everyone afraid!  (Because they’re some very fierce things, angels).  But they said oh don’t be afraid, we came to tell you the good news, that everything is going to be fixed, that God has sent his son to save you!  And so the shepherds also went to see the new baby Jesus.  The angels said to follow this special star and you will find the baby in a manger sleeping next to the sheep.   So they went and they found him lying in a manger just like the angels had said, wrapped up in cloths where Mary had placed him.  And the shepherds were very happy singing and praising God for this wonderful news.  And they went to tell everyone that the Savior was here!

And that is why we celebrate Christmas day.

But, this story is really only half over because lots more happened.  Jesus came and lived and was killed and was brought back to life by God the Father and you know what?  That is how he took back the earth from Satan so that we don’t ever have to be slaves again.  All we ever need to do is to love God and love each other and we’ll all live happily ever after.  But wait!  It’s not over.

You see, there is still a war going on.  Satan – the devil – did not give up even though he lost two times to God.  He still fights to get people to follow him.  And he still tries to make us think that God is far away or not even real.  Or even worse, he tries to make us think that all God wants is for us to be good and follow all the rules, to be good enough, when that’s not it at all.  God just wants us to love him and for us to let him love us right back. 

And you know what?  The most wonderful thing happens when we love God.  All the rules just sort of go away because when we love Him He comes to live in our hearts and we just don’t even want to break the rules any more.  Knowing that we are loved makes us want to love everyone else.  And we don’t have to try to be anything or anyone besides just who He made us to be, because every one of us was made so special and unique that we can be the only one to love God the special way we were made to.  And God’s heart is so big that he has room for every one of us to fit in it.

And now you see, Christmas is the day when God gave us the best present ever.  He gave us back our freedom from Satan.  He gave us back to Himself to love! So we celebrate Christmas because it is Jesus birthday, the best gift of all.  Happy Birthday Jesus!   Thank you for coming to rescue us and bring us back to God.

vision - clarity

When we look back over our lives we all have stories, most of us thinking that it was our own fault that got us into the mess that is our history, or just chance, or whatever. 

But when we look at it in light of the war for our hearts it becomes quite clear that the enemy has tried to take each of us out in different ways. 

Has tried to bind our hearts into ineffectiveness and keep us from being who God made us to be. 

Isn't it awesome to realize that what the enemy meant for harm Jesus used to our good and his own glory!!!

Jesus sings me love songs!

I’m not just worth saving, I’m adored!

He’s not in it just to fix us

He LOVES us with all his heart!

Nothing is as it seems

Re-examine everything you once thought you knew

Believe only what your heart confirms

Be exactly who you are

Live from your heart!