Something is brewing
I’m a hungry woman
I’ve been self-medicating for
years
A lot of us have
It’s like an addict
Or someone with another
disorder..
We are low on serotonin and
we reach for the easiest available source – food.
Some reach for other
things. It’s the same situation, we are
hungry.
Our brains tell us we need,
our bodies tell us we need, our souls cry out that we need. We are hungry.
We want to be fulfilled. We are exhausted from giving out and giving
and giving.
We have given our bodies to
the lives of our families. Sacrificed
our looks, our figures, our sleep, our mental capacities, our nerves. We have premature gray hair and wrinkles
along with our zits and as we nurse our children we long for a relaxing day at
the beach or a sauna or in the woods or somewhere that no one is calling out
our names demanding yet more of our precious little reserves of energy and
patience (if any is left). But at the
same time we cannot stand the idea of being away from those we love. Insanity.
We know deep down that we
cannot look to our spouses to fill this in us but out of desperation we still
try.
We look to our friends. We look to our parents, children, clergy, bar
tender, doctor, personal trainer, counselor, anyone willing to spend any time
on us.
We are hungry women.
I am a hungry woman.
Stacie said it and it’s been
brewing in me and marinating and drawing my mind towards some conclusion.
I’m not quite there yet.
And the obvious answer (which
I’m sorry to say sounds contrite and pat and far less than helpful) is that we
need God.
Well. That is the truth. As difficult as it is to
swallow, it’s true.
It’s not that simple, yet
it’s that easy.
The problem is in how I have
taken it in the past.
I do not like religion. It is stifling and punishing and degrading
and confining to me and my spirit rebels at it in any form.
I yearn for the intimate
relationship that religion has become the imposter of with an Abba God who
David could bear his soul with.
I’ve longed to have no
barriers between us, me and my creator.
No veil, no hidden agenda, no working to be good enough, no pretense of
being good enough, no denying who I am or who I desire to be.
He is there. I know it.
I’ve tasted of his love and it is good.
Soooooo good!
My heart knows Him. We are connected and I have heard his voice
whispering to me in the quiet of my soul.
How then can I sit here
hungry and numb again?
I do not know.
Jesus draw me deeper.
Fill this voracious appetite
of mine with yourself.
I cannot quell it with
anything else.
I also cannot deny it any
longer.
I am hungry.
I am famished.
I am stuffed full of all the
wrong things yet cannot stop reaching for more.
Fill me Jesus.
Isn’t it interesting that our
very makeup, our DNA was created in a way as to draw us to, drive us to, urge
us to seek to be filled and the only true sating of that desire is Jesus.
